Thursday, December 31, 2009

And another thing...

I'm certainly making up for lost time today...

I hate that my husband has this thing sticking out of his chest.



I can't explain how horrifying it is to see him walking around with tubes sticking out of his chest. The chemo goes in them. they pull blood from them (which is icky and disturbing and makes me ill to even think about, much less witness). Occasionally they require 'flushing.'

Argh. Fuck cancer

Another end-of-year list

In an attempt to release some of this negative energy, here is a list (in no particular order) of things that piss me off.

1. Burkitt’s Lymphoma . Seriously, fuck you. My husband is one of 10 Americans in his age group with this disease right now. 10. Yes, he will be cured. Yes we will come through this 'stronger,' but we were already strong enough so fuck you cancer.

2. The phrase "you will come through this stronger." FUCK THAT.

3. Resting the starters in the middle of the 3rd quarter when you have a lead and it's a home game AND the other team needs to win to potentially play you in the playoffs. Fuck you Jim Caldwell.

4. Crash and Amelie. They just piss me off.

5. People that ask questions that they don't want to know the answers to.

6. People that ask questions they already know the answers to.

7. People that congregate in doorways, the tops of escalators or stairs, and anywhere else that impedes other people. I don't care if you're on vacation, stop being so fucking thoughtless.

8. The San Diego Chargers.

9. My insurance companies. Both of them. All you do is take my money and make my life harder. Fuck you.

10. Anyone who gets righteous about any of the following:
a. not owning a television
b. not drinking caffeine
c. not watching sports
d. not believing in God
e. not eating meat
f. not smoking
Memo to the world: The things you DON'T do, for whatever reason, don't make you special. The things you jump into in this life matter. The things you retreat from are largely personal, and the rest of us don't give a shit how unique you feel for discarding them.

11. Nurses who wear perfume on the cancer ward. Way to introduce a group of nauseous people to your whorish scent and selfish disposition. You're TOTALLY in the right line of work.

12. People that start shit with you and are then surprised when you fight back. If you don't want a fight, then don't fuck with me. It's not complicated, and there are plenty of people in the world who are willing to be doormats for a bully. I'm not your girl. Ass.

13. Those fucking Swiffer commercials that imply that women have romantic relationships with their cleaning implements. (cuz apparently only women clean) That's just so fucking off that I don't even know how to respond. If you looked at our society through the lens of our commercials, would it be even remotely familiar?

14. People that think Obama is Jesus incarnate. He's not.

15. People that think Obama betrayed progressives. You don't listen well.

16. People that think Obama wasn't born here. You're fucking paranoid, and likely a complete fucking racist.

17. People that think Obama is a socialist. You're fucking stupid.

18. UPDATE. I hate that I got an email from these guys because an 11-year-old is pregnant and too scared to finger her abuser. The state won't fund the termination of her pregnancy without a police report. I hate this ugly scary world.
There, now I feel a little better.

I am, in fact, an angry girl

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted. Most of the stuff that’s going on in our lives revolves around people I won’t reference here. It’s not fair to invite certain people into this public forum without their permission, and I don’t want them reading this, so I’ve mostly been quiet.

Too quiet it seems. I’m sensing a few themes in my life right now. One is that everyone else seems just as hypersensitive to things as I am, so I find myself wishing I’d held my tongue, even (especially) when I don’t mean any harm. The other thing I’m finding is that more than a few people think that I’m closed off. There are lots of people fighting to offer me a hand in the things that I’ve been going through, and they think that I’m not open to receiving help, or letting my guard down. They’re right, of course, but people seem to be taking it personally.

I am private (ironic to say this in a blog post, I know). I am guarded, even with people I love. I don’t share easily, I don’t open up easily. These are things that are hard for me. I’ve been hurt before, too many times to count. Even when I tear down my own walls and just express what I’m feeling, I typically don’t like what I get back. It’s a hard, cruel world out there, and turtles have shells for a reason. I like my shell. It suits me. I’m comfortable there. There’s room for my husband, my dog, the occasional friend, and not much else. It doesn’t mean I don’t love all of these people (and I acknowledge that this is a nice problem to have), it just means that I can’t lay myself bare for them or anyone else. Not without significant emotional turmoil. I don’t have the luxury of having that kind of turmoil right now. My job is to be a pillar to my husband and my home. I need to hold them up. I can be a fucking mess later. I can work on my relationships later. Right now everything in my life is on hold. This is an expensive choice I’m making here, I realize that. I’m going to lose people. I’m going to hurt some feelings. There are people who aren’t going to understand. I don’t see another way though. I can’t talk too much about how I feel right now, or what I’m going through, because I just keep feeling it. It’s brand new every time I say something to someone. Doing that feels like skinning myself raw just so people know I trust them. I can’t afford to be that kind of mess. My family can’t afford that kind of mess.

So here’s the status update for all concerned parties:

1. Life is shit right now. We’re skating on the razor’s edge financially (a tree fell in the backyard, across three yards, and crushed a neighbor’s car. Insurance refused to pay to haul it away. Don’t know if they paid for the cars, but I had to dip into my retirement to get the tree out of there, as it was in a precarious position and could have caused more damage.
2. Hubby’s treatment is progressing, and we’ve had no real nasty surprises, but being poisoned once every few weeks is wearing on his mood, and it’s a fight to get him to check in to the hospital anymore.
3. I am just completely drained. If it’s not the tree or the cancer, it’s the job (which I have very little investment in right now, given the circumstances) or illnesses in my family. I feel like I’m being pulled apart. I can’t be anywhere I want to be for any amount of time that’s worthwhile, and even if I could, I can’t marshal the focus to be a worthwhile addition to any of these circumstances.
4. Christmas was fine, if you like that sort of thing, and I generally don’t.
5. I’m getting sick. This is a natural response to all this stress, I know. However, my husband can’t get (another) infection, so I’m banished to sleeping in my tv room until I’m better. So even when he comes home (tonight), I’m isolated. It’s really fucking lonely, and the loneliness is compounded by the fact that I can’t reach out to anyone on my own fucking terms because I’m not doing enough weeping and wailing.