Definitely NOT progress

“If women want to vote and shit, they need to do this kind of stuff. I feel the same way about girls asking out boys and women opening their own doors. If chivalry is dead, it’s women who killed it.” – comment on my husband’s Facebook status on this morning.


Every once in a while I read or hear something that sets my teeth on edge. I’ve done a lot of work to avoid the obvious traps, for good reason. Living where I live, and knowing who I know, I have come to expect that my friends will disagree with me, as we represent a wide swath of experience. If I’m too amped up on the obvious triggers, it makes it difficult for me to give the benefit of the doubt to the people I love, and that is a path that leads to screaming. It’s better to try and focus your energy on things that matter and not wrap your head in knots over hyperbolic, deranged, intellectual midgets. That suck.

Comments like the one above though… they just fill me rage. It starts with my husband (and I’m not sparing him in this) posting this:

It is 2011, yet in my office when a mouse is found in a trap all that can be heard is, "We need a boy to take care of this." #notprogress

This is obnoxious on several levels. Here are a few:
1. My husband doesn’t even use Twitter
2. The women in his office shouldn’t be obligated to present “progress,” as he sees it, every moment of their goddamn lives.
3. The incident in question involved a 4-year-old that stepped on a live rat in a glue trap. The situation was a gross nasty mess that a lot of “boys” would’ve balked at, and the kid just wanted her shoe back. (Hubby didn’t balk, because he prides himself on being a burly Eagle-Scout fixer type. They were right to seek him out, though it was an expensive solution overall.)
4. The shit show comment listed above.

The person who posted it is a friend. We have drastically diverging views, but I like to think that we can respect each other’s opinions even as we disagree. I generally treasure my friendship with him, as it is one of the many things in life that reminds me that there are real, kind, thinking people in the midst of this screaming match of ideas. I’m not trying to make him into a strawman. I want to say that, and also say up front that I’m trying to present my view as calmly as possible.

“If women want to vote and shit, they need to do this kind of stuff.” The Nineteenth Amendment was ratified 91 years ago. How is it that men still think that my rights as a citizen exist at the whim of their perceptions? I’m not talking about governmental leaders here. I’ve heard everyday men from all walks of life utter similar phrases without a moment’s doubt. They feel comfortable saying such things because they still have the lion’s share of the power in this country. The steady (but damn slow in some cases) progress that women have made is edging ever closer to something resembling equality of opportunity, and statements like this ring out ever louder in the present day. It betrays a sense of resentment on the part of modern men who’ve never enjoyed the privilege of being the “head of household” of yesteryear. (Clearly this is an exaggeration, as these structures still exist in my country and others, but bear with me here.) Even taking this into account, this statement is fucking stupid. There’s still all manner of privilege to spare for them, including the rather pervasive cultural language that equates women with “bad” and men with “locked in an endless battle not to be women.” Also, we’ve used all manner of fiery hoops to disenfranchise voters in this country, but the “release the live rat from the toddler’s flip-flop test” would likely result in next to no one getting a vote.


“I feel the same way about girls asking out boys and women opening their own doors.” Fine. Whatever. A lot of us uppity voting women already do that shit. If men don’t ask out women they like, and treat them kindly on dates (the door-opening thing, thought it was supposed to make a woman feel special? Didn’t realize it was some gendered requirement that we sacrificed with the vote, and I’m betting I’m not alone in being confused by that.), I’m sure there will be some consequences, but they’re not really my problem or my responsibility.


“If chivalry is dead, it’s women who killed it.” This part actually made me laugh.

Dictionary definition of chivalry
• The medieval knightly system with its religious, moral, and social code
• Knights, noblemen, and horsemen collectively
• The combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, esp. courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak
• Courteous behavior, esp. that of a man toward women

First and 30’s definition of chivalry
• A bunch of awkward and forced gestures that generally make me feel like the man I’m around thinks my arms and legs don’t work.


Chivalry (fourth bullet first list) is dead. We’re not a particularly courteous society a good chunk of the time. Blame the internet, blame the ever-shifting definition of community and failure on some fronts to enforce basic social norms, blame whatever you want. The end result is that we live in a world with less kindness than it should have (note that I didn’t say less kindness than it used to have. That’s how you know your blogger is black, people. I’m not fucking nostalgic for the “bad old days”). This is something that makes me both sad and tired. All people should be courteous to other people because it makes life easier and more pleasant. If it can only happen because of gendered assumptions, then we’re all fucked. Fuck dictionary chivalry, long live (un)common decency.

Chivalry (second list) is not dead, and I can attest to it, as it’s forced on me on a daily basis by random men that I’m usually not even paying attention to, and they take umbrage when I’m not interested. I’m totally sorry for opening my own door guys. I’m pretty sure I didn’t notice you holding open that other door because I was balancing my checkbook in my head, or drafting a meeting agenda in my head, or generally living my life, in my head and because you, as a stranger, are somewhat inconsequential to me. If I noticed, I would’ve thanked you, but now you’re acting as if my failure to register your existence is akin to murder, and I really just want you out of my face. Feel free to be mad about it though. That sounds like a good use of your energy. Fuck First and 30’s definition of chivalry, with absolutely no caveats.

My fundamental beef with both comments (my husband’s and my friend’s) is that everyone involved in this situation is an imperfect person that made imperfect choices. My husband’s coworkers heavily gendered their request, and that is problematic. I know what they meant (someone helpful, and not squeamish), and I know why they worded it that way (a lot of men really enjoy being “needed” in this way), but it’s still problematic because my stomach is in knots and I’m at like, 1300 words here. I shouldn’t have to defend their choices… but I feel like not defending these choices means not standing up for women. And if we’re going to denigrated together, then we need to hold shields together too. My husband put on his superhero cape (cuz that’s how he rolls), but then called them on the carpet because of the way they asked for help. Except…half of his damn identity is predicated on being the guy you go to for help. Just be happy about it, for fuck’s sake. Then my friend uses this conversation as a platform for his (unreasonable) belief that women should choose between their equal rights as citizens and their rights to ask for assistance in the interdependent society that we all participate in. That’s a fool’s choice.

In short, it’s 2011, and I’m still explaining to men that demanding that all women that “vote and shit” live up to their individual perceptions is sexist as hell. Definitely #notprogress.