What I don't talk about when you ask me how I am

I don't know if this dance is the same for every cancer spouse (I don't know if cancer spouse is even the right phrase. I think I made it up. If I stole it, I apologize to whoever), so I'm really only speaking for me. It goes like this:

Person X: How are you? Really?
Me: (Insert random platitude here)
Person X: I'm here for you if you need me. Please know that.
Me: Thank you so much. That means a lot to me.
Person X: (Insert cancer anecdote here)
Me: (Insert new platitude)
Person X: (Tell a story about how I need to take care of myself in order to better take care of hubby)
Me: (nod sagely)
Person X: (give me a story about why hubby means so much to him or her. No bullshit here, he's deeply and profoundly loved, and quite worthy of it all.)
Me: (Insert new bullshit platitude)
(hugging)

Here's what I think when all of this is going on:
How are you, they say, and my mind just buzzes and buzzes and buzzes about money, and how I have to work, and how I wish I could walk the dog normally, and how could one take-home medication be 5k, and how could insurance refuse it, and why the fuck can't I get a swine flu shot, and jesus where is my testing kit for my diabetes because I can't remember if I've taken a fucking pill this week and I can't fuck up my blood sugar on top of everything else and fuck fuck fuck?

I'm here for you, they say, and I think, take this bullshit cliche, don't make me talk about how I feel, about the death of the life I knew, about what babymaking means for us now, about what anything means for us now... take my cliche, swallow it like I mean it. I can't start and not stop. You can't volunteer and not take me over for a lifetime. I'm stuck. I need to talk about this forever or not at all. I need both. I need you to hear me all day everyday or never again. take the cliche. It's your unsticking. Don't be stuck with me. I can't get you out, and it's not fair to keep you here, even though I need you. I need you desperately, because I'm a bundle of need. Run. Run. Run away. Don't run. Save me. Nevermind. Run. I'm going to stop listening now, because you're about to make me cry, and when I start, I can't stop...

That's about how it goes.